If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
