**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
