You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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