i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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