i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
