I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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