just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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