Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
