Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
This toilet bowl is my home.
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