you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
