We named our party play list daddy issues
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
