3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
