I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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