When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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