I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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