This girl is more easily done than said...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
