I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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