I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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