Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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