A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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