why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
