I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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