My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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