Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
