Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
