Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
