i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
