Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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