1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
