one two three fourrrrnication!
you traded sex for a burrito?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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