you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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