I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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