I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
