forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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