I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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