At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
