You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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