i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
