Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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