I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
