I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
