I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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