5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
