please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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