I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
