I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
