He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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