peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
