god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
