my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
