you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
