i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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