College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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